I'm used to be on my own

I'm used to be on my own. When I'm sick, I take care of myself. When I'm happy, I kept my happiness to myself. When I'm sad, depressed, lonely, anxious, down etc. I always deal with whatever feeling myself. Sometimes, I did show what I felt or what happen to me, just to see if anyone care. But most of the time, it's all secret that not even a single soul know about them. There was times that I'm feeling so down and depressed, mix emotion to the point that I want to just give it all up. But luckily, I don't. I bounced back. I always did. It might take few hours, or weeks, but I always found a way to pull myself back from the dark side. Can't deny it, that sometime, I do afraid that maybe sometime, I couldn't find a way to get up and give in. And that time, I wish I have someone who can pull me out. And now that I have someone that I should count on, I terrified by their presence. I'm so used be on my own. I'm doing everything by myself. So the question always wander on my mind. 'If I let him in, if I let him take care of me, if I put my trust on him to always pull me out, what if I'm used to have him then? And one day, he's no longer with me or one day he's grow tired of me and vanish from my life. What would happen to me? Would i remember how to pull myself again?'

"Everyone change..."

"Everyone change..."

Someone said it to me. I remember it clearly. A bit few minutes after 12am 1st January 2013. At that time, I don't completely understand what was she trying to say by that. Well, at that time, I'm pretty naive and faith in humanity still high..(hehehe) Anyway, she kind of important person for me. So I try to understand her reason. Her words keep wandering in my head. Quite sometimes to be honest. Until I can finally understand. Or at least, agree to that statement even tho she might means the different thing than mine. It is true. Everyone does change. It's pretty simple. Who you are today might not the same you yesterday, or last year or 5 years ago. Deny it as much as you can. But we did change. The real question is not whether we change or not? The exact question is, why did we change?  The answer might be different for everyone. Some might change because of what they've been through. Some might change just to fit in. And follow by numerous other reasons. But one thing for sure and be the reason for all of us to change at the some point in our life is simply because we grow up. Changes is a part of growing up. Just like how we can't avoid growing up, we also can't avoid the change. Big change or small change, it's different with everyone. Good or bad, I guess we are the one to decide.

Dear SNSD,

This is the short version of our relationship timeline in my point of view.

Our relationship wasn’t start exactly 9 years ago. But 9 years ago is the first time we met.  I admit that I fancy you when we first met. But it is not a ‘love at first sight’. Back then, you are just like others that I turning too. But there’s always something about you that like a magnet or better, a gravity. I always find myself attract to you.  

It was not until 2008 that I realize that my feeling for you is not just a mere attraction. I’m infatuated to you; I’m in love with you. And that ‘dark event’ in 2008, just makes me fall deeper for you. My senses of protective for you grow bigger. From then, you are my happiness, my escapes. Whenever I feel sad, happy, alone, empty, I always turn to you. You became my world and I am yours. We found each, we hold each other hands and promise to never let go. Right now, from now and forever. 

In 2012, life got to me. I’ve been busy with my life and unconsciously, I distance myself from you. And I’m truly sorry for that even though I know, you understand. But, just like a gravity, I always been pull back to you, and I’m not complaining. You still my world and always will be. 

Two years ago, 30^th September 2014. I never thought something or someone could break my heart like that. It’s not only broken, it’s shattered to thousands of small pieces. For a while there, I can function well, I don’t know what to do. I question myself a question that never crossed my mind before. Should I end this relationship with you, or should I continue this relationship that just shattered my heart and wait for another heartbroken? But then, I realize how selfish I am. I’m too occupied with my heart broken and forget that your heart is broken too. Even worse than mine. 

After that, we made another promise, which ‘we will be strong together, no matter what happen and until the end of time’.  And I promise that I will always be there for you, to love , to support and to be everything you need, right now, from now and forever. Once a Sone, forever a Sone. Happy 9^th anniversary.

With love.

Kei Geraji

#Happy9thannivesary #SNSD #SONE #OnceaSoneForeveraSone 

2015

Wow!! Can't believe that my last post is on 2013. It's really been a while. Anyway,  a lot of thins happened to me on my absent. Some sweet, some bitter, and some still hurting me to this day. I will try to share them all since I'm pretty have almost completely nothing to do at work.
Oh! I think I'll share that one first. after 3 year, I'm finally getting closer to get my degree. Yay~ I guess. I'm in my internship now. Though there's still got reports, presentation and convocation to go but, there's no more FINAL right. So yeah, YAY!! hahaha. Few months to go. Been counting since day 1. I can't say much about the company I'm doing my intern in. Well, maybe some other time. What else...? Hmmm.. Oh! I have a nephew now. Name: Aiden Luke ; Very naughty. But he's perfect. :D He's the first 3rd generation in my family. So, kinda love to spoil him a bit. Though he have his youngest uncle to compete with him for his grandma attention. Hehehe. Have I told you about my youngest brother? Nevermind, I'll tell you anyway. his name is Matt Yeremia Chupong. He have a bit cardio problem. High possibility because of what happened on the day he born. (I'll share this some other time. If I remember) But that doesn't stop him from being hyper active. What's with kids todays anyway? Most of kids todays is hyperactive. *sigh* But I still love him. he's the cutest little thing. hehehe. We kinda always bully him about his shortness and 'cuteness' hahaha. But he's only 3 year old. I don't think he actually know that people tease him when they said he's short.And, my older sister finally decide to work in Malaysia. though she still hoping for overseas opportunity. Well I'm hoping for the same for some reason. LOL. Anyway, she's here right now. In West Malaysia I mean. Working with Sunway Construction. It is an achievement on her side. Kinda happy for her. But to be honest, I don't want her to be close to me. It's not a bad thing, but I'm an eccentric person. And I don't want her or anyone actually know that. (Ironically since I post it here). I can't really stand people. And sometimes, I can be the 'out of sight, out of mind' kinda person you know. (I'll tell you about it sometimes) But thanks God, she not living with me. If she do, there goes my freedom. lol. I guess, I'll stop here. I might post again today. But for a different labels.

Unbearable

I don't know how to start.....
It's just got to me that making fun of what people feel when you're not in their shoes is really something that truly cruel and unacceptable behavior even though you mean to be joking.

Two days ago, I've been hospitalized for suspected appendix. It was only for a night (for some reason). But the pain that I felt is just..... something that I never felt before. I'm actually proud to admit that I'm someone who really can bear a lots types of pain. But that one is a kind of pain that I can't bear where I really wish that I can just dig my hand into my stomach and take out whatever that cause the pain and still live after that. I even beg for some morphine from doctor to reduce the pain. And when the pain really did gets better, the next day, I even pretend that I don't have any pain at all anymore.(No one knows about it. Just tell it here because I know that no one bother to read this) That's the reason why I only stay at hospital for a night.

There are some reason why I don't want to stay longer by the way. I actually have exams going on next week. If I tell the truth, that's mean, I'll be operated and stay longer and might just miss my paper. Seconds reason is I really don't want to be a burden to anyone. People might said "It's alright", but we never know what they really feel inside. Can't deny it that there might be people that really willing to help but there will always people that only willing in their mouth. Third reason is, I don't want to add spice to my family crisis. My family actually in the middle of crisis this time. When I'm actually fighting with the unbearable pain my big sis did said something that could hurt me more. But I think it's better to ignored it because I understand what she felt at the moment.  I know she didn't think with her complete sane mind at the moment (even though she deny it). We always said "Think before you act". But when something occur to us, we hardly even remember what's our philosophy was. Kinda amazed with myself because I don't immediately take it into heart, I guess I really did grown up. Hehehe.

Anyway, the pain is actually still there. It come on and off but bearable. I promise to myself that I'll hold it as much as I can bear. But I kinda not sure if the pain is real or it just my stomach trauma of the pain. I means, there is not impossible for my stomach to remember the pain. Whatever it is, I'll check it up when I back to Sarawak.

This or That...

Word of the day = CHOICE

There is some things in this world that you can't avoid every single day and one of them is CHOICE. Starting from the very first time you open your eyes or back to real life from your dreamland, you had to choose either you want to wake up instantly or back to your lalaland. Every single act you do, there is an option. You can just choose not to have breakfast before you going out or you can just not going out at all the whole day. Now, if you just stop a minutes before you choose. Just to considered another important thing that follow up right after you decide which is the PROBABILITY. Every choice you are making lead to different ending. How you end your day is depends on the very first choice you made. Sometimes people regret their choice, sometimes it'll lead them to the pure happiness and sometimes lead them to nothingness. That is why, your choice play the BIGGEST part of your life. Choose wisely or at least choose that one that won't make you regret it later.



"As long as you don't choose, anything is possible"
Mr. Nobody

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That's what happen when I try to write what I really felt at the moment. I really don't know where exactly a place where I really can express what I really felt. Where I can be the real me. It always be like this.